the mock-up.

Congratulations on your recent promotion! We look forward to working with you in this new capacity. This statement outlines the benefits you ("Employee") and the company ("Employer") are now entitled to as part of our professional relationship.

1. Employee shall be entitled to two (2) overnight stays weekly. Employer is equally entitled to two (2) overnight stays weekly provided that Employee's nosy roommates are out of town. Total overnight stays may not exceed five (5) monthly. Overnight stays on evenings when Employer has an early-morning meeting the next day are not covered under this policy.
2. Drunken phone calls shall be limited to one (1) per biweekly period and must not occur after 3 a.m. on weekends or 1 a.m. during the work week. There is no limit on drunken text messages after a five (5) message deductible.
3. Employee is allowed one (1) monthly refusal of benefits in favor of playing video games. Additional refusals will result in a two (2) week suspension and is grounds for cancellation of the policy.
4. Further expenses related to the administration of benefits (including but not limited to inability to flirt with hotter girls when in the company of Employer) are not covered under this policy.
5. Employee agrees to a general confidentiality agreement in which he shall not disclose the details of this benefits statement to any mutual friends of the Employer and Employee.
6. Screwing the Employer's spinning instructor will result in both the immediate cessation of benefits and termination of employment.

Language clarifications:

• The phrasing "I don't want to talk about this now" shall be understood to mean "I don't want to talk about this, ever."

*This grew out of a conversation with my co-worker; It's the kind of thing I might send to McSweeney's if I didn't have such a fear of rejection.